sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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