they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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