She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
