Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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