Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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