I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
