I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
