She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
