3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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