So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
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The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
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so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?