1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
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I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
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Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
50% drunk capacity currently
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive