So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
New Dating App in Dallas For Only The Most Ambitious and Attractive Singles
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.