Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
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The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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