The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
