My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
