After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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