If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
