yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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