Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Randomize
