You're my little dorito
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
