Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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