I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
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