I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
