If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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