i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
