im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
