I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
