I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
