recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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