there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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