You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
