My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
