the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
