I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Randomize
