I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
