So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang