I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.