Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
27 Drunk People That Pissed Off The Cops And Got What They Deserved
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.