god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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