I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
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MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
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Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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