I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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