walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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