Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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