So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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