So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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