when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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