I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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