he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
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