I am midnight drunk by noon
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Randomize
