I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
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