god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
