Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Randomize
