mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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