Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
