Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
