wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
