her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
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