Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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