I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
