if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
