im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
