i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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